
    "O Breathe not, etc."
	-- Moore's Melodies

The most notorious ill-fortune must in the end yield to the untiring courage of 
philosophy-as the most stubborn city to the ceaseless vigilance of an enemy. 
Shalmanezer, as we have it in holy writings, lay three years before Samaria; 
yet it fell. Sardanapalus-see Diodorus-maintained himself seven in Nineveh; but 
to no purpose. Troy expired at the close of the second lustrum; and Azoth, as 
Aristaeus declares upon his honour as a gentleman, opened at last her gates to 
Psammetichus, after having barred them for the fifth part of a century....

"Thou wretch!-thou vixen!-thou shrew!" said I to my wife on the morning after 
our wedding; "thou witch!-thou hag!-thou whippersnapper-thou sink of 
iniquity!-thou fiery-faced quintessence of all that is abominable!-thou-thou-" 
here standing upon tiptoe, seizing her by the throat, and placing my mouth 
close to her ear, I was preparing to launch forth a new and more decided 
epithet of opprobrium, which should not fail, if ejaculated, to convince her of 
her insignificance, when to my extreme horror and astonishment I discovered 
that I had lost my breath.

The phrases "I am out of breath," "I have lost my breath," etc., are often 
enough repeated in common conversation; but it had never occurred to me that 
the terrible accident of which I speak could bona fide and actually happen! 
Imagine-that is if you have a fanciful turn-imagine, I say, my wonder-my 
consternation-my despair!

There is a good genius, however, which has never entirely deserted me. In my 
most ungovernable moods I still retain a sense of propriety, et le chemin des 
passions me conduit-as Lord Edouard in the "Julie" says it did him-a la 
philosophie veritable.

Although I could not at first precisely ascertain to what degree the occurence 
had affected me, I determined at all events to conceal the matter from my wife, 
until further experience should discover to me the extent of this my unheard of 
calamity. Altering my countenance, therefore, in a moment, from its bepuffed 
and distorted appearance, to an expression of arch and coquettish benignity, I 
gave my lady a pat on the one cheek, and a kiss on the other, and without 
saying one syllable (Furies! I could not), left her astonished at my drollery, 
as I pirouetted out of the room in a Pas de Zephyr.

Behold me then safely ensconced in my private boudoir, a fearful instance of 
the ill consequences attending upon irascibility-alive, with the qualifications 
of the dead-dead, with the propensities of the living-an anomaly on the face of 
the earth-being very calm, yet breathless.

Yes! breathless. I am serious in asserting that my breath was entirely gone. I 
could not have stirred with it a feather if my life had been at issue, or 
sullied even the delicacy of a mirror. Hard fate!-yet there was some 
alleviation to the first overwhelming paroxysm of my sorrow. I found, upon 
trial, that the powers of utterance which, upon my inability to proceed in the 
conversation with my wife, I then concluded to be totally destroyed, were in 
fact only partially impeded, and I discovered that had I, at that interesting 
crisis, dropped my voice to a singularly deep guttural, I might still have 
continued to her the communication of my sentiments; this pitch of voice (the 
guttural) depending, I find, not upon the current of the breath, but upon a 
certain spasmodic action of the muscles of the throat.

Throwing myself upon a chair, I remained for some time absorbed in meditation. 
My reflections, be sure, were of no consolatory kind. A thousand vague and 
lachrymatory fancies took possesion of my soul- and even the idea of suicide 
flitted across my brain; but it is a trait in the perversity of human nature to 
reject the obvious and the ready, for the far-distant and equivocal. Thus I 
shuddered at self-murder as the most decided of atrocities while the tabby cat 
purred strenuously upon the rug, and the very water dog wheezed assiduously 
under the table, each taking to itself much merit for the strength of its 
lungs, and all obviously done in derision of my own pulmonary incapacity.

Oppressed with a tumult of vague hopes and fears, I at length heard the 
footsteps of my wife descending the staircase. Being now assured of her 
absence, I returned with a palpitating heart to the scene of my disaster.

Carefully locking the door on the inside, I commenced a vigorous search. It was 
possible, I thought, that, concealed in some obscure corner, or lurking in some 
closet or drawer, might be found the lost object of my inquiry. It might have a 
vapory-it might even have a tangible form. Most philosophers, upon many points 
of philosophy, are still very unphilosophical. William Godwin, however, says in 
his "Mandeville," that "invisible things are the only realities," and this, all 
will allow, is a case in point. I would have the judicious reader pause before 
accusing such asseverations of an undue quantum of absurdity. Anaxagoras, it 
will be remembered, maintained that snow is black, and this I have since found 
to be the case.

Long and earnestly did I continue the investigation: but the contemptible 
reward of my industry and perseverance proved to be only a set of false teeth, 
two pair of hips, an eye, and a bundle of billets-doux from Mr. Windenough to 
my wife. I might as well here observe that this confirmation of my lady's 
partiality for Mr. W. occasioned me little uneasiness. That Mrs. Lackobreath 
should admire anything so dissimilar to myself was a natural and necessary 
evil. I am, it is well known, of a robust and corpulent appearance, and at the 
same time somewhat diminutive in stature. What wonder, then, that the lath-like 
tenuity of my acquaintance, and his altitude, which has grown into a proverb, 
should have met with all due estimation in the eyes of Mrs. Lackobreath. But to 
return.

My exertions, as I have before said, proved fruitless. Closet after 
closet-drawer after drawer-corner after corner-were scrutinized to no purpose. 
At one time, however, I thought myself sure of my prize, having, in rummaging a 
dressing-case, accidentally demolished a bottle of Grandjean's Oil of 
Archangels-which, as an agreeable perfume, I here take the liberty of 
recommending.

With a heavy heart I returned to my boudoir-there to ponder upon some method of 
eluding my wife's penetration, until I could make arrangements prior to my 
leaving the country, for to this I had already made up my mind. In a foreign 
climate, being unknown, I might, with some probability of success, endeavor to 
conceal my unhappy calamity-a calamity calculated, even more than beggary, to 
estrange the affections of the multitude, and to draw down upon the wretch the 
well-merited indignation of the virtuous and the happy. I was not long in 
hesitation. Being naturally quick, I committed to memory the entire tragedy of 
"Metamora." I had the good fortune to recollect that in the accentuation of 
this drama, or at least of such portion of it as is allotted to the hero, the 
tones of voice in which I found myself deficient were altogether unnecessary, 
and the deep guttural was expected to reign monotonously throughout.

I practised for some time by the borders of a well frequented marsh;-herein, 
however, having no reference to a similar proceeding of Demosthenes, but from a 
design peculiarly and conscientiously my own. Thus armed at all points, I 
determined to make my wife believe that I was suddenly smitten with a passion 
for the stage. In this, I succeeded to a miracle; and to every question or 
suggestion found myself at liberty to reply in my most frog-like and sepulchral 
tones with some passage from the tragedy-any portion of which, as I soon took 
great pleasure in observing, would apply equally well to any particular 
subject. It is not to be supposed, however, that in the delivery of such 
passages I was found at all deficient in the looking asquint-the showing my 
teeth-the working my knees-the shuffling my feet-or in any of those 
unmentionable graces which are now justly considered the characteristics of a 
popular performer. To be sure they spoke of confining me in a 
strait-jacket-but, good God! they never suspected me of having lost my breath.

Having at length put my affairs in order, I took my seat very early one morning 
in the mail stage for --, giving it to be understood, among my acquaintances, 
that business of the last importance required my immediate personal attendance 
in that city.

The coach was crammed to repletion; but in the uncertain twilight the features 
of my companions could not be distinguished. Without making any effectual 
resistance, I suffered myself to be placed between two gentlemen of colossal 
dimensions; while a third, of a size larger, requesting pardon for the liberty 
he was about to take, threw himself upon my body at full length, and falling 
asleep in an instant, drowned all my guttural ejaculations for relief, in a 
snore which would have put to blush the roarings of the bull of Phalaris. 
Happily the state of my respiratory faculties rendered suffocation an accident 
entirely out of the question.

As, however, the day broke more distinctly in our approach to the outskirts of 
the city, my tormentor, arising and adjusting his shirt-collar, thanked me in a 
very friendly manner for my civility. Seeing that I remained motionless (all my 
limbs were dislocated and my head twisted on one side), his apprehensions began 
to be excited; and arousing the rest of the passengers, he communicated, in a 
very decided manner, his opinion that a dead man had been palmed upon them 
during the night for a living and responsible fellow-traveller; here giving me 
a thump on the right eye, by way of demonstrating the truth of his suggestion.

Hereupon all, one after another (there were nine in company), believed it their 
duty to pull me by the ear. A young practising physician, too, having applied a 
pocket-mirror to my mouth, and found me without breath, the assertion of my 
persecutor was pronounced a true bill; and the whole party expressed a 
determination to endure tamely no such impositions for the future, and to 
proceed no farther with any such carcasses for the present.

I was here, accordingly, thrown out at the sign of the "Crow" (by which tavern 
the coach happened to be passing), without meeting with any farther accident 
than the breaking of both my arms, under the left hind wheel of the vehicle. I 
must besides do the driver the justice to state that he did not forget to throw 
after me the largest of my trunks, which, unfortunately falling on my head, 
fractured my skull in a manner at once interesting and extraordinary.

The landlord of the "Crow," who is a hospitable man, finding that my trunk 
contained sufficient to indemnify him for any little trouble he might take in 
my behalf, sent forthwith for a surgeon of his acquaintance, and delivered me 
to his care with a bill and receipt for ten dollars.

The purchaser took me to his apartments and commenced operations immediately. 
Having cut off my ears, however, he discovered signs of animation. He now rang 
the bell, and sent for a neighboring apothecary with whom to consult in the 
emergency. In case of his suspicions with regard to my existence proving 
ultimately correct, he, in the meantime, made an incision in my stomach, and 
removed several of my viscera for private dissection.

The apothecary had an idea that I was actually dead. This idea I endeavored to 
confute, kicking and plunging with all my might, and making the most furious 
contortions-for the operations of the surgeon had, in a measure, restored me to 
the possession of my faculties. All, however, was attributed to the effects of 
a new galvanic battery, wherewith the apothecary, who is really a man of 
information, performed several curious experiments, in which, from my personal 
share in their fulfillment, I could not help feeling deeply interested. It was 
a course of mortification to me, nevertheless, that although I made several 
attempts at conversation, my powers of speech were so entirely in abeyance, 
that I could not even open my mouth; much less, then, make reply to some 
ingenious but fanciful theories of which, under other circumstances, my minute 
acquaintance with the Hippocratian pathology would have afforded me a ready 
confutation.

Not being able to arrive at a conclusion, the practitioners remanded me for 
farther examination. I was taken up into a garret; and the surgeon's lady 
having accommodated me with drawers and stockings, the surgeon himself fastened 
my hands, and tied up my jaws with a pocket-handkerchief-then bolted the door 
on the outside as he hurried to his dinner, leaving me alone to silence and to 
meditation.

I now discovered to my extreme delight that I could have spoken had not my 
mouth been tied up with the pocket-handkerchief. Consoling myself with this 
reflection, I was mentally repeating some passages of the "Omnipresence of the 
Deity," as is my custom before resigning myself to sleep, when two cats, of a 
greedy and vituperative turn, entering at a hole in the wall, leaped up with a 
flourish a la Catalani, and alighting opposite one another on my visage, betook 
themselves to indecorous contention for the paltry consideration of my nose.

But, as the loss of his ears proved the means of elevating to the throne of 
Cyrus, the Magian or Mige-Gush of Persia, and as the cutting off his nose gave 
Zopyrus possession of Babylon, so the loss of a few ounces of my countenance 
proved the salvation of my body. Aroused by the pain, and burning with 
indignation, I burst, at a single effort, the fastenings and the bandage. 
Stalking across the room I cast a glance of contempt at the belligerents, and 
throwing open the sash to their extreme horror and disappointment, precipitated 
myself, very dexterously, from the window. this moment passing from the city 
jail to the scaffold erected for his execution in the suburbs. His extreme 
infirmity and long continued ill health had obtained him the privilege of 
remaining unmanacled; and habited in his gallows costume-one very similar to my 
own,-he lay at full length in the bottom of the hangman's cart (which happened 
to be under the windows of the surgeon at the moment of my precipitation) 
without any other guard than the driver, who was asleep, and two recruits of 
the sixth infantry, who were drunk.

As ill-luck would have it, I alit upon my feet within the vehicle. immediately, 
he bolted out behind, and turning down an alley, was out of sight in the 
twinkling of an eye. The recruits, aroused by the bustle, could not exactly 
comprehend the merits of the transaction. Seeing, however, a man, the precise 
counterpart of the felon, standing upright in the cart before their eyes, they 
were of (so they expressed themselves,) and, having communicated this opinion 
to one another, they took each a dram, and then knocked me down with the 
butt-ends of their muskets.

It was not long ere we arrived at the place of destination. Of course nothing 
could be said in my defence. Hanging was my inevitable fate. I resigned myself 
thereto with a feeling half stupid, half acrimonious. Being little of a cynic, 
I had all the sentiments of a dog. The hangman, however, adjusted the noose 
about my neck. The drop fell.

I forbear to depict my sensations upon the gallows; although here, undoubtedly, 
I could speak to the point, and it is a topic upon which nothing has been well 
said. In fact, to write upon such a theme it is necessary to have been hanged. 
Every author should confine himself to matters of experience. Thus Mark Antony 
composed a treatise upon getting drunk.

I may just mention, however, that die I did not. My body was, but I had no 
breath to be, suspended; and but for the knot under my left ear (which had the 
feel of a military stock) I dare say that I should have experienced very little 
inconvenience. As for the jerk given to my neck upon the falling of the drop, 
it merely proved a corrective to the twist afforded me by the fat gentleman in 
the coach.

For good reasons, however, I did my best to give the crowd the worth of their 
trouble. My convulsions were said to be extraordinary. My spasms it would have 
been difficult to beat. The populace encored. Several gentlemen swooned; and a 
multitude of ladies were carried home in hysterics. Pinxit availed himself of 
the opportunity to retouch, from a sketch taken upon the spot, his admirable 
painting of the "Marsyas flayed alive."

When I had afforded sufficient amusement, it was thought proper to remove my 
body from the gallows;-this the more especially as the real culprit had in the 
meantime been retaken and recognized, a fact which I was so unlucky as not to 
know.

Much sympathy was, of course, exercised in my behalf, and as no one made claim 
to my corpse, it was ordered that I should be interred in a public vault.

Here, after due interval, I was deposited. The sexton departed, and I was left 
alone. A line of Marston's "Malcontent"-

Death's a good fellow and keeps open house-

struck me at that moment as a palpable lie.

I knocked off, however, the lid of my coffin, and stepped out. The place was 
dreadfully dreary and damp, and I became troubled with ennui. By way of 
amusement, I felt my way among the numerous coffins ranged in order around. I 
lifted them down, one by one, and breaking open their lids, busied myself in 
speculations about the mortality within.

"This," I soliloquized, tumbling over a carcass, puffy, bloated, and 
rotund-"this has been, no doubt, in every sense of the word, an unhappy-an 
unfortunate man. It has been his terrible lot not to walk but to waddle-to pass 
through life not like a human being, but like an elephant-not like a man, but 
like a rhinoceros.

"His attempts at getting on have been mere abortions, and his circumgyratory 
proceedings a palpable failure. Taking a step forward, it has been his 
misfortune to take two toward the right, and three toward the left. His studies 
have been confined to the poetry of Crabbe. He can have no idea of the wonder 
of a pirouette. To him a pas de papillon has been an abstract conception. He 
has never ascended the summit of a hill. He has never viewed from any steeple 
the glories of a metropolis. Heat has been his mortal enemy. In the dog-days 
his days have been the days of a dog. Therein, he has dreamed of flames and 
suffocation-of mountains upon mountains-of Pelion upon Ossa. He was short of 
breath-to say all in a word, he was short of breath. He thought it extravagant 
to play upon wind instruments. He was the inventor of self-moving fans, 
wind-sails, and ventilators. He patronized Du Pont the bellows-maker, and he 
died miserably in attempting to smoke a cigar. His was a case in which I feel a 
deep interest-a lot in which I sincerely sympathize.

"But here,"-said I-"here"-and I dragged spitefully from its receptacle a gaunt, 
tall and peculiar-looking form, whose remarkable appearance struck me with a 
sense of unwelcome familiarity-"here is a wretch entitled to no earthly 
commiseration." Thus saying, in order to obtain a more distinct view of my 
subject, I applied my thumb and forefinger to its nose, and causing it to 
assume a sitting position upon the ground, held it thus, at the length of my 
arm, while I continued my soliloquy.

-"Entitled," I repeated, "to no earthly commiseration. Who indeed would think 
of compassioning a shadow? Besides, has he not had his full share of the 
blessings of mortality? He was the originator of tall 
monuments-shot-towers-lightning-rods-Lombardy poplars. His treatise upon 
"Shades and Shadows" has immortalized him. He edited with distinguished ability 
the last edition of "South on the Bones." He went early to college and studied 
pneumatics. He then came home, talked eternally, and played upon the 
French-horn. He patronized the bagpipes. Captain Barclay, who walked against 
Time, would not walk against him. Windham and Allbreath were his favorite 
writers,-his favorite artist, Phiz. He died gloriously while inhaling 
gas-levique flatu corrupitur, like the fama pudicitae in Hieronymus.* He was 
indubitably a"-

    Tenera res in feminis fama pudicitiae, et quasi flos pulcherrimus, cito ad 
levem marcessit auram, levique flatu corrumpitur, maxime, &c.-Hieronymus ad 
Salvinam.

"How can you?-how-can-you?"-interrupted the object of my animadversions, 
gasping for breath, and tearing off, with a desperate exertion, the bandage 
around its jaws-"how can you, Mr. Lackobreath, be so infernally cruel as to 
pinch me in that manner by the nose? Did you not see how they had fastened up 
my mouth-and you must know-if you know any thing-how vast a superfluity of 
breath I have to dispose of! If you do not know, however, sit down and you 
shall see. In my situation it is really a great relief to be able to open ones 
mouth-to be able to expatiate-to be able to communicate with a person like 
yourself, who do not think yourself called upon at every period to interrupt 
the thread of a gentleman's discourse. Interruptions are annoying and should 
undoubtedly be abolished-don't you think so?-no reply, I beg you,-one person is 
enough to be speaking at a time.-I shall be done by and by, and then you may 
begin.-How the devil sir, did you get into this place?-not a word I beseech 
you-been here some time myself-terrible accident!-heard of it, I suppose?-awful 
calamity!-walking under your windows-some short while ago-about the time you 
were stage-struck-horrible occurrence!-heard of "catching one's breath," 
eh?-hold your tongue I tell you!-I caught somebody elses!-had always too much 
of my own-met Blab at the corner of the street-wouldn't give me a chance for a 
word-couldn't get in a syllable edgeways-attacked, consequently, with 
epilepsis-Blab made his escape-damn all fools!-they took me up for dead, and 
put me in this place-pretty doings all of them!-heard all you said about 
me-every word a 
lie-horrible!-wonderful-outrageous!-hideous!-incomprehensible!-et cetera-et 
cetera-et cetera-et cetera-"

It is impossible to conceive my astonishment at so unexpected a discourse, or 
the joy with which I became gradually convinced that the breath so fortunately 
caught by the gentleman (whom I soon recognized as my neighbor Windenough) was, 
in fact, the identical expiration mislaid by myself in the conversation with my 
wife. Time, place, and circumstances rendered it a matter beyond question. I 
did not at least during the long period in which the inventor of Lombardy 
poplars continued to favor me with his explanations.

In this respect I was actuated by that habitual prudence which has ever been my 
predominating trait. I reflected that many difficulties might still lie in the 
path of my preservation which only extreme exertion on my part would be able to 
surmount. Many persons, I considered, are prone to estimate commodities in 
their possession-however valueless to the then proprietor-however troublesome, 
or distressing-in direct ratio with the advantages to be derived by others from 
their attainment, or by themselves from their abandonment. Might not this be 
the case with Mr. Windenough? In displaying anxiety for the breath of which he 
was at present so willing to get rid, might I not lay myself open to the 
exactions of his avarice? There are scoundrels in this world, I remembered with 
a sigh, who will not scruple to take unfair opportunities with even a next door 
neighbor, and (this remark is from Epictetus) it is precisely at that time when 
men are most anxious to throw off the burden of their own calamities that they 
feel the least desirous of relieving them in others.

Upon considerations similar to these, and still retaining my grasp upon the 
nose of Mr. W., I accordingly thought proper to model my reply.

"Monster!" I began in a tone of the deepest indignation-"monster and 
double-winded idiot!-dost thou, whom for thine iniquities it has pleased heaven 
to accurse with a two-fold respimtion-dost thou, I say, presume to address me 
in the familiar language of an old acquaintance?-'I lie,' forsooth! and 'hold 
my tongue,' to be sure!-pretty conversation indeed, to a gentleman with a 
single breath!-all this, too, when I have it in my power to relieve the 
calamity under which thou dost so justly suffer-to curtail the superfluities of 
thine unhappy respiration."

Like Brutus, I paused for a reply-with which, like a tornado, Mr. Windenough 
immediately overwhelmed me. Protestation followed upon protestation, and 
apology upon apology. There were no terms with which he was unwilling to 
comply, and there were none of which I failed to take the fullest advantage.

Preliminaries being at length arranged, my acquaintance delivered me the 
respiration; for which (having carefully examined it) I gave him afterward a 
receipt.

I am aware that by many I shall be held to blame for speaking in a manner so 
cursory, of a transaction so impalpable. It will be thought that I should have 
entered more minutely, into the details of an occurrence by which-and this is 
very true-much new light might be thrown upon a highly interesting branch of 
physical philosophy.

To all this I am sorry that I cannot reply. A hint is the only answer which I 
am permitted to make. There were circumstances-but I think it much safer upon 
consideration to say as little as possible about an affair so delicate-so 
delicate, I repeat, and at the time involving the interests of a third party 
whose sulphurous resentment I have not the least desire, at this moment, of 
incurring.

We were not long after this necessary arrangement in effecting an escape from 
the dungeons of the sepulchre. The united strength of our resuscitated voices 
was soon sufficiently apparent. Scissors, the Whig editor, republished a 
treatise upon "the nature and origin of subterranean noises." A 
reply-rejoinder-confutation-and justification-followed in the columns of a 
Democratic Gazette. It was not until the opening of the vault to decide the 
controversy, that the appearance of Mr. Windenough and myself proved both 
parties to have been decidedly in the wrong.

I cannot conclude these details of some very singular passages in a life at all 
times sufficiently eventful, without again recalling to the attention of the 
reader the merits of that indiscriminate philosophy which is a sure and ready 
shield against those shafts of calamity which can neither be seen, felt nor 
fully understood. It was in the spirit of this wisdom that, among the ancient 
Hebrews, it was believed the gates of Heaven would be inevitably opened to that 
sinner, or saint, who, with good lungs and implicit confidence, should 
vociferate the word "Amen!" It was in the spirit of this wisdom that, when a 
great plague raged at Athens, and every means had been in vain attempted for 
its removal, Epimenides, as Laertius relates, in his second book, of that 
philosopher, advised the erection of a shrine and temple "to the proper God."

LYTTLETON BARRY.

	-- Edgar Allan Poe (1809 ~ 1849)
